


The Whole Truth

by Maeglin_Yedi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Snape is evil, So very evil!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeglin_Yedi/pseuds/Maeglin_Yedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape is evil, damn you! What does it take to convince the world?</p>
<p>Written after the release of HBP, as a funny answer to all the Snape is Innocent theories that were propping up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Whole Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Characters: Snape, Voldemort  
> Rating: PG  
> Genre: humor/parody/meta fic
> 
> Summary: Snape is evil, damn you! What does it take to convince the world?
> 
> A/N: No idea where this came from, really. I was thinking about all the Snape theories, and wondered, if they turn out to be wrong, how Snape would feel about that. 
> 
> Word count: 1149  
> First published: March 2006

Snape swept inside the room, throwing the door shut with a loud bang. He propped his hands on his hips and let out a deep, suffering breath. "It's everywhere!"

"Hmm?" Voldemort, seated comfortably on the sofa, _the Daily Prophet_ in his hands, didn't look up at him. 

"I said, it's everywhere!"

"There, there," Voldemort said placidly. He tapped the feathered end of his quill against his thin lips. "I need another word for a person suffering from infantile feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur."

"Dumbledore," Snape spat. 

Voldemort considered this for a moment. "No, it needs to start with an 'm'."

"Megalomaniac."

"Ah!" Voldemort scribbled the word down, and Snape got the distinct feeling he and his sorrow were being ignored. 

"Even the Muggles believe it now," he said, knowing full well that using that word around Voldemort was like waving a red flag at a bull. 

Voldemort snapped his gaze up. "Muggles?"

"Yes!" Now that he had his master's attention, Snape dove right into his tirade. "Muggles everywhere now believe I am in fact innocent!"

Blinking, Voldemort said nothing for a few seconds, and then he threw his head back and laughed. 

His shoulders slumped, Snape sank down on the couch, defeated. "First, the wizarding world, and now the rest of the planet! As if all the saccharine owl post from the Order, telling me in long, boring details they know I'm on their side isn't bad enough. When will people get it through their thick skulls that I'm EVIL?"

"Hmm," Voldemort said, and when Snape glanced to the side he saw Voldemort immersed in his crossword puzzle once again. Oh no. Snape wouldn't stand for it. 

"After all, I killed the greatest wizard who ever lived." Ah yes, now that was like waving a red flag the size of a Quidditch pitch at a whole herd of rabid bulls. 

Voldemort glared at him, crimson eyes darkening. "Excuse me?"

"Second greatest wizard, of course," Snape said smoothly, and then continued trying to make his point. "I killed Dumbledore. Finished the old coot. And somehow the whole world believes me a secret agent deep undercover, claiming Dumbledore knew all along I wasn't a real Death Eater -- "

Snorting, Voldemort shook his head. "Dumbledore wouldn't know a real Death Eater if one fell out of his arse."

"Exactly! Besides, it's a moot point, since he's dead. I KILLED him! It should be evidence enough of my undying loyalty and support to you. But no, imbeciles everywhere are convinced I did it on his orders! Can you believe that?"

"No," Voldemort admitted with a grave look.

"But they do!" Snape was starting to feel desperate. "How is it possible that killing the barmy old lover of Muggles and Mudbloods doesn't make one evil? What does it take? Should I go out and club a few baby seals to death to make my point?"

Voldemort looked thoughtful. "Well, perhaps Dumbledore was too old? I've noticed that killing them young does great things for one's reputation. The death of that silly Mudblood at Hogwarts certainly made people sit up and take notice, and even if that hadn't convinced them yet, going after poor little Potter drove the point home. I honestly think it's not time yet to involve any kind of juvenile animals. There are more humane ways."

Snape frowned. Voldemort may just have a point, and Snape certainly had a long list of innocent, young Hogwarts students he'd gladly throttle with his bare hands. "Perhaps, perhaps." He sighed. "But it gets worse."

"Worse?" Voldemort asked, disbelief clear in his voice. 

"Everyone is now convinced Draco is innocent as well. A victim of circumstances, instead of a loyal Death Eater doing your bidding."

"Has the world gone mad?"

"It seems that way," Snape said, pleased to note Voldemort's newspaper lay forgotten in his lap. "They're convinced you'll kill him."

"Why would I want to kill Draco?" Voldemort sounded almost as desperate as Snape. "He's done his job perfectly. He distracted Potter and Dumbledore and kept them off my back for a year, meanwhile giving you plenty of opportunity to spy for me before finally murdering the old bastard."

"I know!" Snape threw his hands up. "You'd think it's all perfectly clear, but no one believes us."

They stayed silent for a few moments, contemplating how the world could have gone completely mad so quickly. 

"It gets worse, still," Snape finally whispered. Voldemort let out a strangled noise and waved at Snape to continue. "People, wizards and Muggles alike, are convinced the Potter boy is one of your horcruxes."

"Do they think me stupid?" Voldemort jumped up from the couch, thin body tense beneath his thick, black robes. "Do they honestly believe I'd entrust a piece of my soul to that insufferable child?"

"They claim it was an accident."

"Oh for the love of..." Voldemort trailed off and ran a trembling hand across his face. "One cannot make a horcrux by accident. It's a long and delicate process. How can they think me so irresponsible?"

"I don't know," Snape admitted as Voldemort sat down beside him again.

"This won't do," Voldemort said, his voice now tight with conviction. "You most certainly can't function as my most trusted servant when the whole world believes you innocent. Perhaps it is time to break Lucius out of -- "

"Master, no," Snape said quickly, fearing for his future career. "Tell me what to do! I'll do anything to prove the world I'm an evil, unredeemable bastard."

"I know, Severus." Voldemort gave Snape a comforting pat on his arm. "You'll just have to kill a few more people. Former students, perhaps? Or harmless babies? Perhaps you could visit the maternity ward at St Mungo's? Or no, better yet, get the buggers before they leave the womb! Slay any pregnant female you come across."

"Certainly, my lord." Snape got up, feeling rejuvenated by his master's new assignment.

"And for god's sake, take Draco with you. If that boy ever wants to make it in this world, he'd better start polishing up his reputation right this instant."

"Of course."

"This had better work." Voldemort sighed. "If not --"

"If this doesn't work, we'll break out the baby seals, puppies and kittens, my Lord. Surely that will change their minds."

Voldemort nodded. "Just in case, Severus, if you happen by the Magical Menagerie anytime soon, give it your best. And don't wear your mask. Let the world see the face of evil."

"Yes, my lord," Snape said with a satisfied smirk, and stalked out of the room. The world had better recognize his evil streak soon, or else... Or else... Well, they could always invest in a few whaling ships or destroy a few thousand acres of rain forest. Snape shook his head as he knocked on Draco's chambers. Honestly, being evil shouldn't have to be this much work. 

 

~~fin~~


End file.
